Maybe not but go read this hilarious credit card prank I found over at Waxy.org. Serious, yet funny.
So now I am sitting in my room with my own, private little bucket of banana pudding! Joy!
The service roads on the other side of 85 actually aren't that bad. Instead of having intersections, the service road just seems to merge on and off the main road ever so often. It is kind of like a weird roller-coaster. They kind of just grind against each other like two Lambada dancers or maybe a pair of tortoise mating. Maybe I should stop with the "kinda likes". I found it to be kinda thrilling to sweep onto and off of the main road without slowing down. But like any other good rollercoaster, it took me a few go arounds before I could do the whole thing with my hands in the air.
I was on my fourth ride when I looked next to me and saw a lady next to me, scared out of her mind. I tried to tell her to relax but she slowed down and got off the ride.
Oh well, "back to the puddin' RUUUDY", as Curious Cosby would say.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Slow Ride
So tonight is my last night out of town. I have finally come to peace with this whole thing and have decided to enjoy myself.
I actually went north on 231 just to see what was on the other side of 85. Who would have guessed that there were more service roads? What? I haven't mentioned service roads? Allow me to explain the service roads of the MountO'Gummery.
Service roads are short stretches of pavement on either side of the main road where travelers may get stuck in traffic for long periods of time. Maybe they work in other towns but I am convinced that the Dept. of Transportation in Monty G. was invaded by Nazi party members whod devised a way to torture the good citizens of this town by miring them in odd intersections with no rhyme or reason. I have sat at a light for over 5 minutes. Really! 5 minutes, I ate my whole breakfast at one light. South of 85, the only way to return to the main road is through a traffic light. All set at 5 minute waits for crossing traffic. These work fine if you plan to stay on the main road all the way through but they put these things called "stores" and "restraunts" and "homes" on both sides of the road to intice you to exit. See, that is where they get you! Now you are trapped and must eventually cross over the main road to return home. You will wait my friend , you will!
I finally got to get in the hot tub this afternoon. I would have gotten in it every night but 2 guys have been hogging it the whole week. Not that I am afraid of strangers or that I am a homophobe but I refuse to share dead skin cells with strangers. What? Hot, streaming jets of water buffeting your body and you don't think that will knock a few off? I will not join the man stew or man broth, whichever you choose to call it. Anyways, every afternoon, I head out to the "plaza" to sit and read my book. I can see them in the hot tub room, bobbing around like little carrot slices or cubes of potatoe. I imagined them laughing at me," Ha, look at the big chicken, afraid to join us in the tub!" thinking what a nice ingredient I would make in their stew.
Today, today they were absent. I read a few pages so as not to appear too eager (in case they were watching!) then headed to the room and changed. Heading down the hallway, I tried to decide what I would do if they were there. There would be no way out! In my trunks and towel, I couldn't pretend to be on a leisurely stroll. Maybe I could act like I forgot something in my room and wait them out.
It was empty.
Empty, except for a few wet towels on the floor and a large yellow cooler with the phrase, "Chicken of the Sea" on the top. I set my stuff down and had a sudden nervous feeling, a flashback to the Atlanta Olympics! My first thought was, "Terrorists!" followed directly by a shark saying,"Sorry, Charlie." and finally, "Mmmm, tuna". I got in anyway.
The chlorine was so strong that I was temporarliy blinded but I preservered and sat down anyway. I started to wonder if I could bring my laundry down and drop it in with me, efficiently saving myself the 2.00$ in quarters it would take in the hotel laundr-o-mat? It would pretty much guarantee that no one would join me. Then I thought about hiding behind the palm trees located in each corner of the room and jumping out when someone sat into the tub yelling," Banzai!!!" or," FANCY SCHMANCY!!!"
Well, enough for now, I am heading out to eat at Dreamland which I spotted on my trip to North 231. First I have to hang up all these clothes up in my shower in hopes that they dry before morning.
I actually went north on 231 just to see what was on the other side of 85. Who would have guessed that there were more service roads? What? I haven't mentioned service roads? Allow me to explain the service roads of the MountO'Gummery.
Service roads are short stretches of pavement on either side of the main road where travelers may get stuck in traffic for long periods of time. Maybe they work in other towns but I am convinced that the Dept. of Transportation in Monty G. was invaded by Nazi party members whod devised a way to torture the good citizens of this town by miring them in odd intersections with no rhyme or reason. I have sat at a light for over 5 minutes. Really! 5 minutes, I ate my whole breakfast at one light. South of 85, the only way to return to the main road is through a traffic light. All set at 5 minute waits for crossing traffic. These work fine if you plan to stay on the main road all the way through but they put these things called "stores" and "restraunts" and "homes" on both sides of the road to intice you to exit. See, that is where they get you! Now you are trapped and must eventually cross over the main road to return home. You will wait my friend , you will!
I finally got to get in the hot tub this afternoon. I would have gotten in it every night but 2 guys have been hogging it the whole week. Not that I am afraid of strangers or that I am a homophobe but I refuse to share dead skin cells with strangers. What? Hot, streaming jets of water buffeting your body and you don't think that will knock a few off? I will not join the man stew or man broth, whichever you choose to call it. Anyways, every afternoon, I head out to the "plaza" to sit and read my book. I can see them in the hot tub room, bobbing around like little carrot slices or cubes of potatoe. I imagined them laughing at me," Ha, look at the big chicken, afraid to join us in the tub!" thinking what a nice ingredient I would make in their stew.
Today, today they were absent. I read a few pages so as not to appear too eager (in case they were watching!) then headed to the room and changed. Heading down the hallway, I tried to decide what I would do if they were there. There would be no way out! In my trunks and towel, I couldn't pretend to be on a leisurely stroll. Maybe I could act like I forgot something in my room and wait them out.
It was empty.
Empty, except for a few wet towels on the floor and a large yellow cooler with the phrase, "Chicken of the Sea" on the top. I set my stuff down and had a sudden nervous feeling, a flashback to the Atlanta Olympics! My first thought was, "Terrorists!" followed directly by a shark saying,"Sorry, Charlie." and finally, "Mmmm, tuna". I got in anyway.
The chlorine was so strong that I was temporarliy blinded but I preservered and sat down anyway. I started to wonder if I could bring my laundry down and drop it in with me, efficiently saving myself the 2.00$ in quarters it would take in the hotel laundr-o-mat? It would pretty much guarantee that no one would join me. Then I thought about hiding behind the palm trees located in each corner of the room and jumping out when someone sat into the tub yelling," Banzai!!!" or," FANCY SCHMANCY!!!"
Well, enough for now, I am heading out to eat at Dreamland which I spotted on my trip to North 231. First I have to hang up all these clothes up in my shower in hopes that they dry before morning.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Just Be Cos'
Okay, after a short break ( and hilarious little movie) I feel better. Not shmancy fancy, (instructors favorite little non-word an my new favorite "I-want-to-cut-out-my-eyeballs-with-the-corner-of-my-binder" word) but better. Watch this little (10mb) movie and cheer up sad clowns.
Mount Gummery
I haven't felt good since I got down here. I couldn't explain it, but I wasn't feeling right. I have no appetite even though I can eat anything I want, anywhere I want. More than once I have realized that I was shouting at the top of my lungs inside the car at no one in particular. Sometimes I feel listless, other times I'm giddy.
Then, while I was on the phone with Mandy, it hit me.
Guilt.
I feel guilty for being down here. How lame is that? Everyone at the lab is having to work a little harder to make up for my abscence, Mandy is having to be a single mom. I'm down here hanging out in a hotel room doing nothing and eating free meals out on the town. For roughly 6 hours a day I sit in a classroom and daydream of asphalt pies and tar-baby tea cakes with a bunch of guys who, don't get me wrong, are really good guys. I would take any of them with me to a street fight and I would leave my wallet with them if the occasion ever arose that I would need to leave it with someone. (and what, might you ask, would that situation be? Good question, maybe I will think about that all night tonight while staring at the carpet in my room.) Real salt of the earth kind of guys.
But we all know what salt does to something fresh, it dries it out. Like beef jerky. None of these guys would ever invite me over to hang out at the house and likewise I would never invite them to mine. No offense given or taken.
I just realized that I haven't spoken to anyone this week except Mandy on the phone and a few words to the instructor! That is another BIG problem, a talker with no one to talk to. I think I will go engage the front desk clerk in an amazingly in-depth discussion about the cleaning crews unique ability to clean my room magnificently and yet quickly. When he asks me if I would like to speak to the manager I will shout, " Fabulous!" and fan my hands out just so.
The Feista wasn't so bad, I actually won 10 dollars in gift certificates to Cucos. I hate Cucos. I gave them to a guy in class who grunted at me. I sat on the couch watching a bunch of guys on T.V. throw a ball through a hoop for about 5 million a shot each and wondered what they would do with the 10 dollar gift certificates. Next to me, at a table, two women were discussing the product they were about to sell. Lucky me, it was epidural needles! They whipped out their nifty single serving pouches full of medical equipment and started strowing it all over the table.
One lady went through the sales pitch in a sing-song kind of way while the other took notes. Sometimes, the first lady would stop and interject little 'industry' hints like, "Don't put this part out front of the display because it tends to make people nervous." and, "If they ask about this part breaking, tell them it is only on rare occasions when the nurse pulls back. They should never pull back. Say it like that and move on to these, they are a safer subject."
Needless to say, I skipped the salsa and other un-identifiable foods and went to "Smokey Bones" bar-b-que and ended up sitting across from "THE-GUY-IN-THE-VAN-DOWN-BY-THE-RIVER!!!!"
No lie. I took pictures. Maybe I should have asked for a motivational speech to get me out of this funk.
Then, while I was on the phone with Mandy, it hit me.
Guilt.
I feel guilty for being down here. How lame is that? Everyone at the lab is having to work a little harder to make up for my abscence, Mandy is having to be a single mom. I'm down here hanging out in a hotel room doing nothing and eating free meals out on the town. For roughly 6 hours a day I sit in a classroom and daydream of asphalt pies and tar-baby tea cakes with a bunch of guys who, don't get me wrong, are really good guys. I would take any of them with me to a street fight and I would leave my wallet with them if the occasion ever arose that I would need to leave it with someone. (and what, might you ask, would that situation be? Good question, maybe I will think about that all night tonight while staring at the carpet in my room.) Real salt of the earth kind of guys.
But we all know what salt does to something fresh, it dries it out. Like beef jerky. None of these guys would ever invite me over to hang out at the house and likewise I would never invite them to mine. No offense given or taken.
I just realized that I haven't spoken to anyone this week except Mandy on the phone and a few words to the instructor! That is another BIG problem, a talker with no one to talk to. I think I will go engage the front desk clerk in an amazingly in-depth discussion about the cleaning crews unique ability to clean my room magnificently and yet quickly. When he asks me if I would like to speak to the manager I will shout, " Fabulous!" and fan my hands out just so.
The Feista wasn't so bad, I actually won 10 dollars in gift certificates to Cucos. I hate Cucos. I gave them to a guy in class who grunted at me. I sat on the couch watching a bunch of guys on T.V. throw a ball through a hoop for about 5 million a shot each and wondered what they would do with the 10 dollar gift certificates. Next to me, at a table, two women were discussing the product they were about to sell. Lucky me, it was epidural needles! They whipped out their nifty single serving pouches full of medical equipment and started strowing it all over the table.
One lady went through the sales pitch in a sing-song kind of way while the other took notes. Sometimes, the first lady would stop and interject little 'industry' hints like, "Don't put this part out front of the display because it tends to make people nervous." and, "If they ask about this part breaking, tell them it is only on rare occasions when the nurse pulls back. They should never pull back. Say it like that and move on to these, they are a safer subject."
Needless to say, I skipped the salsa and other un-identifiable foods and went to "Smokey Bones" bar-b-que and ended up sitting across from "THE-GUY-IN-THE-VAN-DOWN-BY-THE-RIVER!!!!"
No lie. I took pictures. Maybe I should have asked for a motivational speech to get me out of this funk.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Ole' or not to Ole'
I came into my hotel room after class to find a flier on the floor. It seems that
"I am invited to join in the fun at GUEST APPRECIATION NIGHT tonight from 6:00 till 8:00 in the courtyard. The theme is Mexican Night. Food, drinks, music, door prizes and more,,,"
The image of a bunch of "suits" dancing around and doing dorky games is enough to send me scurrying for my book, not to mention hazy memories of tequila shots around people who annoy me. Just the smell of a margerita usually sends my tummy churning. I guess I will hide in my room till the fiesta is over and then head out for a late dinner somewhere.
Today in class I stumped my teacher. Only for a few minutes but still, it was fun. We were discussing the Specific Gravity of asphalt when he stated that all S.G.s were relative to water at 77 degrees F. Why 77?Because it is a good even number. Why does the temprature matter? Water becomes more dense as it gets colder, thus making it heavier. Most rocks have a S.G. of 2.6 to 2.9 Gold is 19. That means that gold is 19 times more dense than water. Most rocks are close to 3 times the density of water.
My question; If water gains density as it gets colder, which means that it gets heavier, why does ice float?
Blank stare.
Good question.
We came to this conclusion; the density does change but the weight doesn't change that much. 600 grams of water at 77 F will weigh something like 601.945 at 34 F.(Please don't check those numbers because I made them up!) The floating comes from the trapped air within the ice which cannot be removed except through melting which is bringing up the temp which is lowering the S.G. which evens back out with the water.
Excuse me while I go do something Jockulistic to make up for all this nerdism. Maybe I will go to the Fiesta and punch out some guy for singing "Tequila" or go watch the basketball game on the bigscreen in the main entrance.
Nah, I'll just go read my book in the bath tub.
P.S. Cori at "A Gag Reflex" has finished her story for now and is looking at a book deal. She actually mentions me in a new post and has a quick link to my page! It is like being on Letterman!
P.S.S. Mandy, I miss you and Luke SOOOO Much, you are the peas to my carrots.
"I am invited to join in the fun at GUEST APPRECIATION NIGHT tonight from 6:00 till 8:00 in the courtyard. The theme is Mexican Night. Food, drinks, music, door prizes and more,,,"
The image of a bunch of "suits" dancing around and doing dorky games is enough to send me scurrying for my book, not to mention hazy memories of tequila shots around people who annoy me. Just the smell of a margerita usually sends my tummy churning. I guess I will hide in my room till the fiesta is over and then head out for a late dinner somewhere.
Today in class I stumped my teacher. Only for a few minutes but still, it was fun. We were discussing the Specific Gravity of asphalt when he stated that all S.G.s were relative to water at 77 degrees F. Why 77?Because it is a good even number. Why does the temprature matter? Water becomes more dense as it gets colder, thus making it heavier. Most rocks have a S.G. of 2.6 to 2.9 Gold is 19. That means that gold is 19 times more dense than water. Most rocks are close to 3 times the density of water.
My question; If water gains density as it gets colder, which means that it gets heavier, why does ice float?
Blank stare.
Good question.
We came to this conclusion; the density does change but the weight doesn't change that much. 600 grams of water at 77 F will weigh something like 601.945 at 34 F.(Please don't check those numbers because I made them up!) The floating comes from the trapped air within the ice which cannot be removed except through melting which is bringing up the temp which is lowering the S.G. which evens back out with the water.
Excuse me while I go do something Jockulistic to make up for all this nerdism. Maybe I will go to the Fiesta and punch out some guy for singing "Tequila" or go watch the basketball game on the bigscreen in the main entrance.
Nah, I'll just go read my book in the bath tub.
P.S. Cori at "A Gag Reflex" has finished her story for now and is looking at a book deal. She actually mentions me in a new post and has a quick link to my page! It is like being on Letterman!
P.S.S. Mandy, I miss you and Luke SOOOO Much, you are the peas to my carrots.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Idle Time = Reading Time
On my last day in Birmingham, Mandy and I (along with Luke of course) visited my mom and dad. Even though they are going through some really rough times, they are always fun to talk to because they always look to the humorous side of stuff.
Anyways, I noticed a book on the coffee-table and opened it to read the inside cover. Mandy saw me and asked me what I thought of it. I know that the inside cover is designed to sell a book but this one owned me. I asked my mom if I could borrow it for the trip. Mom turned to Mandy who looked at me and said," I just brought that for your mother, You carried it in."
Short term memory aside, I borrowed the book anyways and boy, am I glad that I did.
"Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris is one of the funniest books I have read ever. I do quite a bit of reading on a regular basis but nothing in my short term memory has made me laugh out loud this much.
Yes, there is foul language and yes, there is some questionable content but hey, this is what we grow up with. If you can't laugh at this world, how do you expect to enjoy the next?
Please, for your sake, go get this book or order it, or borrow it at the library so I will have someone to laugh with.
Anyways, I noticed a book on the coffee-table and opened it to read the inside cover. Mandy saw me and asked me what I thought of it. I know that the inside cover is designed to sell a book but this one owned me. I asked my mom if I could borrow it for the trip. Mom turned to Mandy who looked at me and said," I just brought that for your mother, You carried it in."
Short term memory aside, I borrowed the book anyways and boy, am I glad that I did.
"Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris is one of the funniest books I have read ever. I do quite a bit of reading on a regular basis but nothing in my short term memory has made me laugh out loud this much.
Yes, there is foul language and yes, there is some questionable content but hey, this is what we grow up with. If you can't laugh at this world, how do you expect to enjoy the next?
Please, for your sake, go get this book or order it, or borrow it at the library so I will have someone to laugh with.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Montgomery, AL
I have arrived at my hotel and everything is set up for tomorrows class. I will be here all week. Away from my wife and child for the longest period ever. At least I have my PC to keep me company. I will probably be posting every day this week so keep checking up on me. Please post comments to occupy my time. At least the hotel is pretty nice and has high-speed internet for free.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Courtney brought over a load of Eli pics on Saturday but I have been having problems posting pictures all week. It seems to be okay now so here is the first batch. Thanks for coming by everybody and I hope you enjoy the pics. maybe one day I will get back to actually posting a message or two. When will I ever have the time?
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Go, Go, Go, Go for G!
We finally bought the new They Might Be Giants video named "Here Comes the ABC's" while we were in the Mountains. Yes, it is a kids video. Yes, I am singing the songs to myself and watching the video when Luke is nowhere around. Just try the link and listen to some of the songs or go to their homepage by clicking the header. TMBG rules!
Portrait Innovations
WE had these pictures made on Saturday at Portrait Innovations in the Patton Creek shopping center. I have to admit that I was VERY skeptical about this being a different kind of studio. Long lines of screaming children, angry parents, and crying babies were dancing in my head as we drove to the place. As we walked in it seemed that all of my dreams had come true when the place was packed without an open chair and we were told that we might have to wait because they were behind schedule.
Within 15 minutes the place was empty and we were getting some of the funniest photos I have ever seen. Vince the camera guy and his assistant(Emily?) were very enthusiastic and kept Luke laughing the whole time. A short time later we were sitting in front of a 2'x4' monitor looking at the photos to pick the ones we wanted to purchase. The prices were displayed clearly in front of us the whole time as we narrowed it down to an affordable package.(I believe it started at $700 for 75 poses but I could be wrong. Something like that.)
Again, Vince was patient as we asked to see each picture 15 times. He was very helpful without trying to "sell" us the pictures. We even got a CD with ALL of the poses for free. We would have been able to take the pictures home with us immediately but the printer was down so I picked them up today. They are great. Click the header to visit the studios website. It isn't a very good website but it does have a link to find the nearest location.
Monday, March 07, 2005
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